Episode 10 finally fukken delivers!
Oh Godoka, does it deliver!
The moment that Blacks gets on screen is the moment of WIN!
She brought Geki flowers…FLOWERS!
And as if that wasn’t enough, they start flirting like there is no tomorrow!!
Aaaahhhh….Some one pinch me now!
All those smiles….Godoka!
I bet Black is like this when in the presence of only Geki-chan and no one else!
I loved the moment so much that I spent my night writing this up. it’s like a retake of the visit. Hope you like.
Sigh…So happy right about now!
I give to you…
This is a one-shot re-write story of Black’s visit to the hospitalised Gekikara in episode-10 of Majisuka Gakuen 2nd.
You know what they say about one’s whole life supposedly flashing before their eyes in their last moments of death?
It’s a big fat lie.
All you see is the cause of your soon to be demise as it very slowly, as if played back at the speed of one-thousandth, as the time draws closer to that ‘moment’. And after the moment, then all that flashes before your eyes in the blotchy spots of red and white behind your eyelids as you squeeze them tight from the overwhelming pain. Then if you are lucky, extremely lucky, everything goes black.
I fight for breath as I wake up from yet another bad dream. Huh, bad dream? I would be so lucky. It’s more like a nightmare. A nightmare based off a memory – no, not as much a memory but more like real events. The events that have affected my life like no other. I know I will never have a good old sleep anymore that’s for sure.
My heart is pumping so had the blood is overflowing in my brain making everything difficult. All my eyes see are red and white blotches as I try to adjust my vision. I shudder to think that I have yet again crossed over to the world of the dead, expecting to see my senpai once more-My senpai that passed away last semester.
“Arg…” The pain in my head however derails that train of thought. Damn it, as if I wasn’t in enough pain already, the sickness of the norm decided to start hitting me while in the hospital. Just yesterday it was a stomach ache. The day before that I couldn’t look at any food without wanting to throw up.
I struggle to see the clock on the wall on my right through the hazy vision. Am I even looking the right way? I am not sure of direction just yet. I feel like my mind is swimming in a see of ice blades. I grit my teeth as I try to ease my pain by applying inner pressure to my brain and holding my breath.
“Gah…” I immediately give up on that idea. All I manage to accomplish in more pain. I think I made it worse actually. But at least my vision is better than before and I can see a few details better. The first view is the familiar white sheets and duvet of the hospital bed I am half laying in. The room is still bright, too bright, but since I don’t see the shadow of my upper body over my covered legs, that would mean that it’s still day time. I try once again to see the clock and after some squinting, I finally make it out to be just about a quarter after five. Only three quarters until my next medicine taking. Good, I am looking forward to those pain killers.
That’s right, I took an afternoon nap to try and cheat some of my pain off. Too bad things don’t always go as planned. Stupid headache had to accompany me from the world of dreams. Oops, forgive me, I meant sea of nightmares.
Since that…incident…every time I sleep now I always have the same nightmare. Why do most things happen when you don’t want them to? Any other day I would struggle to have the same dream more than once or even remember what I was dreaming of in the first place. And yet now that I don’t care for it, I am having the same stupid dream and can’t get it out of my head.
It’s always the same sequence of events. I always find myself standing in an endless corridor of white walls, bright lamps in the ceiling two meters apart and extending infinitely in either direction. There are no doors on the walls and the floor is decorated in black and white tiles. I am not even sure why but I just know that it’s a corridor. There is a feeling of familiarity about it. The first time I thought it to be just another dream. I just wandered about walking a couple of meters in either direction for a while. Not finding anything helpful I decided to walk in one direction until I met something or better yet, someone. As I walked along, having started humming at some point earlier, the thing that turned the dream into a nightmare happened.
As I walk on, a door suddenly appears just ahead of me. As I walk to it all happy to have finally found perhaps a way out of the endless corridor, the door opens from the inside. It makes such an unpleasant noise as it creaks outwards in my direction it is all I can not to wince. I stop, waiting, to see just who it might be coming out of the room that mysteriously appeared. It takes ten…twenty…thirty…a minute without anything happening so I start to get closer thinking that perhaps the door was opened for me.
Everything that happens next takes place as if in slow motion. The first thing I see is a hand extending to hold the door wider. What comes next is the sound of small wheels turning and another hand appears holding onto a tall stand with a bag that contains half a bright liquid. The bottom of the see through plastic bag suspended at the top of the stand on wheels has a small tube that snakes down to connect to the arm holding onto the stand. The arm gets longer as the person comes into view. From the physique and the hair, I can only conclude that it’s a girl, roughly around my build. She is wearing white pyjamas with long sleeves. As I lift my eyes to see her face, for some reason I can not see it clearly. Despite the whiteness of our surroundings, her face is shadowed so darkly it’s almost as if the light itself is being sucked into it.
I start at the thought but the girl suddenly stumbles and seems to be in pain with the way she breathes abnormally. Before she falls I quickly move to help her stay on her feet. I let her rest her head on my chest to regain her breath.
“Are…Are you okay…Miss?” Not knowing her name and not wanting to sound rude I settle for that title. Her head moves and I think that she is going to look up at me hoping to finally see her face but she does not do that. Instead my body stiffens and my nerves scream as they send all kinds of negative sensations to my brain that finds difficulty in processing them all. All I know is that something is very wrong.
“H-uh…?!” My mouth opens unintelligently. I look down when I feel more movement from the girl. She finally lifts her head from my chest to look up at me and I finally see the face I have been looking forward to. Except that it is unlike what I was expecting. I cannot describe what I am seeing in front of me. All I can make out is that the…face…is smiling-is that even a smile- the face is smiling at me but in a very disturbing way. The girl backs away from me and as she does, I feel like my very being is being moved around like pieces and I am the puzzle. My eyes are drawn downwards as if by an unnatural force. When I do look down I find that something that doesn’t…shouldn’t be part of a human being is being pulled out of my stomach. I feel like I should know the object but for the life of me it comes off as a mystery. I cannot help admiring the shiny object that briefly reflects the light as the girl’s hand falls at her side. It only takes a second before something that is apart of a human being comes out of me from the same place the mysterious object was pulled from. It’s a thick liquid that spurts out like a carbonated liquid from a shaken pressured can. It stains the pretty black and white tiles between us with a disturbing red that is so dark even in the bright space, it’s disturbing.
It’s blood, my blood.
As soon as I register this everything else hits me like a brick. The pain is the first to register. I am no stranger to pain as I have experienced it all my life but something just feels different this time. The liquid keeps flowing and as I look on, the colour starts to change. I do not think that is supposed to happen. Then another feeling that I have never felt…or perhaps it’s because it has been too long I have simply forgotten it…hits me.
My knees buckle from the overwhelming feeling that seems to overpower the pain and I fall to the floor on my knees.. My every being is screaming for me to run for it but my body is frozen as if there are invisible walls that fit my body perfectly pressing against me from all direction. My eyes are locked onto the girl before me. The emotion on her face is lost to me. I have never seen such an oppressing emotion. I can only watch as if entranced as the girl raises the hand holding the mysterious object half covered in my blood and she starts walking forward. She crouches down to be at my level and I can only watch the hand pull back then forward so slowly as if within a period of hours then…
“*Gurgle*” this is the only sound I can make as I struggle to breathe through my blood filled mouth. Every time the hand comes forward I feel the pain as if for the very first time. I cannot do anything but stay there as my body is being merged with the no longer simply black and white tiles.
And it is then that I always wake up.
The same nightmare every time I sleep for the past ten days.
I heave as I struggle to put air in my lungs. I almost tear the sheets from the grip I have on them as I struggle to regain my senses. Just thinking about the dream brings all the emotions back. I shut my eyes as I start to see red but I snap them open lest I fall back to sleep.
“Are you feeling okay?”
A soft voice reaches my ringing ears. I whip my head up and to my right. There sitting in the visitors’ chair is a familiar person. I struggle to get my brain off of the nightmares and concentrate on the person. The first thing I see and in fact the one that confirms the identity of my visitor is the large cross being suspended around the person’s neck by a rosary of black pearls. All at once I recognise the person and cannot help the stupid grin that splits my face as my vision swims upwards to catch those nostalgic dark eyes in relief. As our eyes meet there is an eternity that passes as the world around me stops spinning to regain its normalcy. I can do nothing but look into those dark pits of the unknown and let them wash away my fears and anxieties.
“B-Black…?” As if in a trance my body moves on it’s own as it twists and then shoots off the bed in an attempt to reach for the girl. Big mistake. All I accomplish is opening my wound and a whole new can of pain. Being half way off the bed already, I have no other way to go but towards the floor.
Strong arms save me from more damage by holding me up under my arms and setting me back up. I struggle to hold in the pain that comes anew from my disturbed wound. I don’t even have to look to know that it has opened up once again. I can already feel the dampness from my blood spreading. I ignore the implications though. Just a few more minutes and the nurse will come over. I look over to Black only to find her reaching for the emergency button already calling for a nurse. She must have seen the blood through my clothes. Damn it, I want some time alone – the nurse can wait.
“Wait Black, it’s okay. The nurse will be here soon for her rounds.” I touch her arm to stop her from pressing the red button and calling for someone.
“Are you sure? Your wounds are opening up. You need attention.” She gives me a look between displeasure, worry and indifference but she sits back in the chair anyway.
“Yes I am sure.” I reply as I try to forget about the pain and focus on her. Here is the thing – I have not seen Black since last semester. Well, neither have I seen most of the other old classmates but at least Sado and Torigoya stayed in touch from time to time. Shibuya not so much but it was no shock as we weren’t that close to begin with. But even if we weren’t buddy-buddy and I talked more with any other but Black, we had this…understanding. It felt like we were silent great friends. There was this…air of calmness whenever we were together and usually we would end up sitting together, standing together or even fighting as a pair like that one time the whole of Rappappa invaded some school in the good old days when it had just been formed. I guess it’s just me that felt that way. I shake my head to clear it of the depressing thought.
Now though as I study her, I find that something has indeed changed about her. She no longer has on that sharp and emotionless look on her beautiful face but in its stead, a motherly caring one stands. It shows not only in her face but also in the fashion. Her hair is tied in a low pony tail that’s slung over her left shoulder. She’s wearing black and matching jog gear decorated with golden symbols. At her feet, the setup is completed with pure white sneakers that look so clean you’d think she walks on air. Despite the fashion choice, she looks so mature I cannot help but feel completely childish in her presence. Does having a child have that big an effect on people? She wasn’t like that last year even though she had the child by then.
“Do you want some fruit? I peeled some while I waited for you to wake up.” I look back up to her face when she speaks. I follow her gaze upon seeing that she isn’t looking at me. On my side table is a plate with some cut melon, peeled tangerines and some strawberries covered with film. When did…?
“Waiting for me to wake up? When did you alive?” I ask and can’t help feeling somewhat embarrassed that she was here while I was sleeping. I hope I am not the snoring type or one with bad bed habits.
“It’s only been ten minutes before you woke up. I didn’t want to disturb you.” There is something in her eyes that’s…My cheeks heat up knowing that she was having fun with me. She saw something while I slept. Did I drool? I wipe at my mouth consciously. The concept of someone watching me sleep in my most vulnerable state, especially her, does nothing but heat up my face more.
“Th-thank you, I was advised by my Doctor that sleep is the next best thing after pain killers.” I say to her trying to get rid of the stupid face I am sure I am making. I try to reach for the plate but the previous experience no more than a minute ago makes me stop with my hand suspended in the air between the bed and the side table.
“Here, let me help.” She says as she reaches for the fruit plate. She takes off the cling film and replaces the disposable chopsticks before she presents the plate to me.
I take the plate and take time to admire the delicious presentation on my lap. I almost don’t want to touch it. She has it all layered out on the plate in an exotic pattern that I don’t want to break. She takes my hesitation to consume the nutrition the wrong way though as she asks…
“What is wrong? Can you eat by yourself?” She sounds sincerely worried.
“Wha…? Oh no, I’m fine I was just admiring the presentation is all.” I let out in a rush when I get her meaning. She is offering to feed me! As appealing as the prospect sounds, I am not that disabled. I pick up the chopsticks and quickly take a piece of melon in my mouth. I almost whimper from the taste. No matter how healthy hospital food is supposed to be, it’s bad to the taste. More than two weeks of that was enough to drive me mad. I hold back the tears that threaten to spill from the sensations in my mouth as I work on the fruit. I almost do not hear Black when she speaks.
“I take it that you like it? I guess there is something educational in those TV dramas after all.” She lets a chaste smile grace her perfectly sculptured lips and I almost choke on the strawberry in my mouth.
“Yea-yeah…It’s really good, thank you. You are the only one who has had the thought of saving me from the dreadful ‘healthy food’.” I cannot help the frown that invades my face.
“You are welcome, and I am sorry that I have taken so long to visit you.” I watch as a wave passes over her features. She probably has many reasons for not visiting me until now. Being a single mother and one at her age has to be very hard. She does not give them though probably thinking that they might come off as excuses. I do not mind in the least actually. I would probably be lying too if I said that I wasn’t looking forward to her visit every other day.
“Don’t worry about it. I can only imagine how busy your life must be.” I try to reassure her and let her know that she didn’t have any obligations to visit me.
“Being busy shouldn’t matter at all. We are friends and I am supposed to be there for you when you need me.” I can’t help the happy spike that hits my nerves at the ‘friends’ word. She is getting angry at her self and the atmosphere is getting thick. Uh…Did I say the wrong thing? I have to do something. I sigh and put on a displeased look as I rest the chopsticks to the plate and reach forward. She had moved her seat closer to the bed as she handled me the food before so she is in arm’s reach. I touch her leg above the knee to get her attention. She looks up at me.
“It’s quite alright Black. You are here now, aren’t you? You even brought me some real food which makes your visit the best one of all.” I put a little pressure in my hold as I give her the best smile I can manage. The tension in her features disappears and I pull back to continue eating.
Some time passes in silence as I eat and she watched me eat. I don’t mind that silence in the least. It is the comfortable kind.
“What…happened?” She asks carefully as if she feels guilty for asking. I stare blankly at her for a while, confused. Her eyes fall lower and I know where she is looking and thus what she is asking. Oh, that!
“It happened right here actually – I mean the hospital. I was just leaving after visiting Gakuran when a patient crashed into me. It turns out it wasn’t an accident at all. She had a knife on her and…well…” I pause for her to fill in the blank before continuing. “It was a good thing that it happened right in front of Shaku and that we were in a hospital.” She gives me a look. “Oh, that’s Minegishi Minami. She is one of the new Queens actually.” I explain.
“I see…Do you know who it was?” She asks – a dangerous edge in her voice.
“I am not sure. I had never seen the girl before. At first I thought she was one of Yabakune’s but I don’t think Shibuya would do that after I had already arranged to fight her.” I feel the emotions pressing against me once again when I think of our fellow ex-Rappappa member.
“Wait, why did you have to fight Shibuya? What does she have to do with anything?” She is confused. I guess she didn’t know.
“Oh, sorry, I guess you don’t know what’s going on. Where to start…” And so I fill her in with everything that’s happened this school year so far. I tell her of Rappappa’s predicament first and our complex leaders. Then of that troublesome Nezumi and her ever right hand girl Centre. I conclude with Shibuya’s involvement with Yabakune. For a silent girl, her face goes through so many changes during my narration, it’s shocking.
“I can’t believe all that has happened. Yuko-senpai would be so disappointed.” I look down at the now empty plate. I can’t help but feel ashamed. I can hear the disappointment in her voice all to clear. I not only let Yuko-senpai down but now I feel like I let her down too. Surely there was nothing I could do about Maeda’s feelings and had no way to control Shibuya’s actions but I feel like I should’ve done something. I don’t know exactly what but at least more than what I did.
“I am sorry. I am sorry for having let it come to this. I am sorry for …failing you.” I can’t stop the words from slipping from my mouth. I dare not look up at her for she would see my shame. I feel worse and worse with every second that follows in the no longer comfortable silence.
“Hey,” I feel her touch before I hear her silky voice. Having squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to disappear, I open them when I feel the warmth in her touch as she cradles my chin and turns it to we can see eye to eye. She continues, “This is not your fault. You are in no way responsible for the bad turn of event. It’s Maeda’s own fault that she’s gone off the deep end. It is also Shibuya’s for letting her feelings get better of her. Maeda is not the only ones who felt a great loss in Yuko-senpai’s passing as Shibuya is not the only one who lost a fight. They themselves are responsible for the choices they made in the aftermaths.”
I can do nothing but stare as if mesmerised by both her words and the truth in them and the feelings that accompany her touch when her hand leaves my chin and starts to caress my left cheek. I cannot even blink as she continues, “So, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty of anything in this whole ordeal.” She lets go of my face and I find myself missing the contact terribly. “I guess we will just have to beat some sense into these spoiled kids then, ne?” She winks at me and finishes off with a smile as she settles back in her seat. My jaw almost drops at the display as I have never, and to be truthful, really expected that from her.
“Wha-what do you mean?” I ask stupidly. I mentally smack myself.
“I mean exactly just that Gekikara. I will have a word with Sado and Torigoya and then meet up here to see if we won’t come up with something. Naughty kids have to be disciplined or else they will never learn, right?” She says to me, still smiling.
I feel so light – like a huge force has been lifted from me, I could fly. I want to thank her in so many ways right now. She has no idea what she has just done for me. I have been troubling over the issue for so long that I almost gave up.
“Thank you Black.” Thank you very much. You will never know how grateful I am to you. I give her a face that I have not shown to anyone else but my parents in heaven. I try to put all my feelings in it as I hold her gaze. From her response I come to the conclusion that I succeeded before I bury it once gain. I change the subject not wanting to see the disappointment in those unnaturally dark orbs.
“How have you been though? I haven’t heard from you since graduation.” I try to hide the pain that accompanies that words but I think I fail from the twitch that graces her face.
“Oh, not much really, just work, work and more work. My savings had run out and I could not afford a baby sitter anymore so I had to get a couple of part-time jobs. The convent could only put up with my Baby for so long that I am sometimes forced to take her with me at work. Let me tell you, that is one energy drainer right there.” She sighs in exhaustion before continuing. “It’s very hard but I never expected it to be easy so I manage. I have to manage.” She gets this black fire in her eye that makes her all the more radiant.
“You are very strong Black. I do not think I could manage by my self were I in your position.” I lean back against the headboard after placing the pillows appropriately. The subject of children brings to the surface sour revelations I have been trying to dismiss ever since the report. “Babies huh? That sounds nice…” I can’t suppress the pain that invades my chest. I feel my eyes burn, threatening tears.
“There is something wrong.” When she speaks it’s a statement but there is a question underlying in the words. I take time before answering to make sure my voice doesn’t sound broken when I speak.
“My uterus was pierced when I got stabbed.” I do not have to look to her face to know her reaction. From the peripheral view I have of it, I can clearly make out the shock. “The doctor said that it might not have posed a big problem had the knife not penetrated the walls both at the front and the back.” My voice gets thick with emotion as my resolve begins to break. “He said that with that much damage, he only gives me only thirty percent chance of even trying to conceive.” My vision gets blurry as the tears finally escape but I no longer care. It is all I can do to continue talking. “He-he then said that they had to close off the fallo…something tubes to stop my ovulation since it would be very bad to have my period when the uterus is in such a delicate state. He then concluded that he wasn’t sure what lasting damage would remain later on when they put things back to normal.”
I am crying openly now as I let the emotional pain wash over me, overshadowing the physical. It is difficult breathing and when I try to understand why that is, I come to realise that it’s because my face in buried in soft flesh. Black is hugging me and I don’t even remember it happening. I don’t care though as I grab onto her for dear life and bury my face even deeper. I find that air is the least important thing at the moment. She is the first one I have told of this among my friends and schoolmates. I didn’t think it would be this much painful talking about it but somehow, I am glad.
I don’t know how long I cry for or how long she holds me, rocking me gently and whispering words that are unintelligible to me. But we must have stayed there for a long time because it is the voice of the nurse loudly clearing her throat that brings me back to my senses. I lift my head to look to the door but I make no move to let my comfort go. I am pleased when Black makes no attempt at disengaging from me too.
“Good evening Matsui-san, it’s time for your medicine and” she looks pointedly at Black as if displeased by her closeness. I know she is worried about my injuries but I cannot help getting angry at her. “I will need to change your bandages.” She finishes as she walks to the table with a tray of supplies.
“I am sorry. I will go grab a drink while you work.” Black said as she finally let go. I reluctantly let my hands fall as well. “Do you want something?” She asks politely ignoring the look the nurse shoots her.
“No, I am fine thank you. I will see you in a few.” I break off the nurse’s rant that was sure to follow about patients and none-hospital foods. Black snakes the empty plastic plate in the nurse’s blind spot that had lain forgotten on the bed as she leaves the room.
“Oh? Is she the one that brought the flowers?” Huh? I look at the nurse confused for a second. Did she say flowers? My eyes are then drawn to a glass jar half-filled with water. In it were some randomly picked flowers that would sure to put a flower shop out of business to dare sell such an abomination to customers. They are so plain and wild and yet I find that it is exactly for those reasons that I love them all the more. It warms me to think that she went out of her way to go and pick flowers for me. Why hadn’t I noticed them until now?
“I guess she did…” I answer absentmindedly.
“You guess? You mean you don’t know?” The nurse muses as she handles me some pills and reaches for a glass of water.
“I just noticed them now. But seeing as this is the first time I’ve seen them, there is no doubt.” I cannot stop the smile that breaks out on my face. I really have to thank Black when she gets back in. I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed them before. “Thank you.” I say to the nurse as I take the offered glass and down the pills. I struggle to not bring them back up when I am done. I really can’t stand medicine. For some reason I feel even sicker after taking pills!
“Now then, let’s see about the wound.” She says as she puts on her medical gloves after taking the glass from my hands. “At this rate you won’t be getting away from here any time soon.” She mumbles when she sees the fresh blood covered bandages. I twitch knowing that she speaks the truth. I have made my feelings about being confined in a hospital quite clear already.
“What can I say? I am starting to appreciate the feeling of being taken care of for once.” I lie through my flashing teeth. There is nothing I hate more than being vulnerable, let alone being taken care of. Well, if it was Black then that is a completely different scenario all together.
I shake my head furiously at the though. I am thankful for the pain that distracts me when the nurse cleans my wound.
“Sorry but it’s your own fault for not following the Doctor’s orders.” She says when she hears my sharp intake of breath. “Really, it looks as fresh as if it was stitched just yesterday.” I can hear the disapproval in her voice. Thankfully that seems to be as far as her rebuttal goes. Minutes pass as I admire the flowers and try to take my mind off the tinkering fingers. Finally the bandages are replaced and I pull down my pyjama top as the nurse cleans up after herself.
“Well, that’s that. I won’t be seeing you until tomorrow so please try to not disturb the injury this time.” She probably knows that I can’t keep that promise so she doesn’t wait for my affirmation. She collects her tray of things and leaves the room. When the door closes I find my eyes drawn to the flowers once again.
“Thank you for the flowers Black. They are very beautiful.” I say without looking away when I hear a ‘whooshing’ sound. I don’t hear the sounds of the door opening and closing but I do not need to, to know that she’s back. I just know it’s her. I wonder how that is!
“I am glad you like them. Sorry they aren’t that fancy.” I look up this time when I feel the bed shift. She has opted to sit on the bed at my feet this time around. I watch her face and I am not sure if it’s because of the late sun rays or if she is actually blushing.
“It’s okay…actually it is more than okay. I appreciate them more all the more knowing that you actually went out of your way to pick them out yourself.” Now I am sure it is I that is blushing. We look at each other stupidly for a few seconds. I am thankful when Black breaks the silence.
“Have you talked to…someone about…?” She makes a motion indicating to my abdomen. I know she isn’t talking about the physical injury.
“What, you mean like a Shrink?” I tease to assure her that I do not mind the question. We are after all just picking up where we left off before the nurse disturbed us. She nods sheepishly. “I did, or more like I am. I meet her every three days to talk but truthfully, there hasn’t been much progress.” I trail off not wanting to say that she is the only one I have made aware of my true feeling about the subject.
“You should talk to her about it. You don’t have to go all out but just enough. Believe me, it helps.” I want to ask her how she knows that but the truth in her face stops me. Of course she should know. She has been there before me and has obviously overcome the hurdle, though it is doesn’t look easy.
“Y-yea, I guess I will.” I can’t help but say when she takes hold of my hands and clasps my randomly manicured fingers into her warm unsoiled ones. I watch as she massages and kneads them in hers.
“Is there anything else bothering you?” She asks and I look up when I feel the intensity of her gaze. I inhale sharply as I feel a new wave of emotions hit me. How does she do it? How does she make me want to strip away all the barriers so that my very soul is the only thing left in her presence? How does she know that I have been yearning to let go?
“Nothing…” I answer and she frowns, like she understands the lies for what they are. “Ever since I was stabbed I have felt nothing else but fear.” I cave in and feel my eyes grow moist. The relaxant pills I just took are not making things any easier either. “I am so afraid Black…more afraid than I’ve ever been before.” The tears fall anew and I find myself once again in her warm embrace. “I am afraid of what this all means for my future. I am afraid that I might have lost the dream that all women have – afraid that I won’t have any children.” I tremble terribly as I say that. “I am afraid to go to sleep.” I force the words out. “I am afraid when I fall asleep.” For some reason the more she comforts me the more I crumble. “And I am still afraid when I wake up lest I find that she came to finish me off while I…while I slept.” I cannot say anymore as I let myself get drowned in the torrent of the oppressing emotions as they are washed down and out of my soul.
Black doesn’t say anything and only holds me tighter, which I am very grateful for as I am pretty sure I would shatter into tiny, unrecognisable pieces were she to let go. It takes some time before my soul is cleansed enough for me to stop crying and go into aftermath hiccups. Black still holds me and now that I am starting to be aware, I feel her rocking us back and forth. I don’t know how long this goes on for but the lighting in the room is soon artificially bright. I didn’t mean to but all the pent up feelings, even those that had nothing to do with my hospitalisation, came flushing out of me. And here I had thought I had buried that part of my life. I can guess that she suspects that there is more than what I have told her but she doesn’t push. When my sobs die down and we are once again bathed in silence Black finally talks again.
“I think we are going to have that meeting way sooner than I had originally planned.” Her voice sounds strange and I am forced to pull my head back just enough to catch a glimpse of her face.
There is anger there mixed in with other unidentifiable tones which leaves me with the only option of catching it in her eyes. Her eyes, I find, reveal her emotions better than her words and so I look. I almost choke when my vision is washed away by the hurricane within. Her eyes are black holes of fury, bitterness, disbelief and many more emotions that I don’t get time to put names to as I am forced to look away.
I don’t know what to say to easy her. I think to tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about me so. I want to tell her that she has more important problems of her own to worry about my pitiful self but I cannot. And so I only do. I lift my limp hands and hold her in a powerful hug – my injury forgotten. The pain killers already kicked in any way and I don’t really give a damn that the nurse will be furious with me tomorrow. I hold her with everything I have. I try to communicate to her all my feelings of appreciation in that hug.
“I am sorry…To think that you have been suffering like this all this time.” I am glad to hear that her voice it back to its usual angelic flow. “You don’t have to worry about being attacked here again though. I think the hospital increased the security after the last incident. And besides, we won’t let that happen.” She finished in a firm voice that I can’t help but believe her.
“Un…” I mumble as I let my head fall on her shoulder again and close my eyes as I bury my nose in her collar bone and breathe in her natural scent. She wears no perfume nor does she use hair products yet I can’t help but get drunk with it.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight? I only need to make a phone call to sort my Baby out and I don’t think the nurses will be any trouble.” It takes all I my remaining might to resist the mighty temptation and saying ‘yes’. I have already troubled her more than necessary in the span of just a few hours.
“Thank you…Yuki-chan…but I am okay now.” I say to her and feeling a protest coming on, I raise my head to make eye contact once more. “You have helped me a lot already just by listening.” I try to convey my true feelings in my gaze to her. I only hope it is not the true-true feelings of my wanting her to stay that she sees. “I have a feeling I can sleep peaceful once again.” I drive the point home with the brightest smile I can muster. It is a hard fit, what with the way my face is probably looking at the moment, but I manage it when I see resignation in her eyes.
“Alright then, if you are sure.” She relents and cleans at her face with the sleeves of her top when we finally break from our long embrace. I must look real bad if even she looks the way she does. The evening rounds nurse couldn’t get here any sooner so that I can get cleaned up. I really feel much worse that I think I must look. “I better go then.” She stands and straightens her bunched-up clothes. I have really done a number on her. “I will be back to see you as soon as I can.” She says pointedly as if I am about to accuse her of her absence.
I think I love you.
The thought relaxes my face – that is hard with dried tears, with a trillion watt smile.
“Thank you very much for coming to visit me today, Yuki-chan.” I call her by her name again and this time I see the effect it has on her. She blushes prettily and looks away from me. I find myself loving this side of her. “Have a safe journey back home and say hello for me to Baby-doll.” I don’t know the baby’s name neither the circumstances surrounding its birth but I will wait until Black feels she’s ready to tell me about it. Though she probably wouldn’t, I don’t think I would survive being put in a hospital while I am still in said hospital for asking.
“I will…Good night then Geki…Rena.” She disappears from the room before I can process the feelings that encompass my being when she calls me by my real name.
I relax back under the covers and wait for the evening rounds nurse to drop by. As I wait I find myself drawn once again to the other life in the room. I struggle a bit and soon I have the glass in my hands. I bring the petals near my nostrils and breathe in deeply as my eyes fall closed in contentment.