2020 Ladies and Gentlemen!
At this rate I am even tired of myself praising this year! The amount of gay content that we have been fed are just legendary! I am not going to be surprised anymore if we get more content because, for reals, I have lost count of how much content we have gotten so far! Hell, it feels like the likes of I am Not Okay With This, Fort Salem and Little Fires Everywhere, shows that came earlier this year, feel like they are from last year! Like…
This is Me!
Enjoying 2020’s all the gays you can eat buffet!
Our current entry is none other than the very Evan Rachel Wood! I can already hear your cries – Wait, this movie has gay rights?!! Yes, yes it does! Welcome to surprise country! This is another one of those – wait, what?! Movies that you had no idea had and wasn’t expecting any gayness in them but there is and girl, do they deliver!!!
In fact, I am going so far as to give our lovely Ol’Dolio (I prefer that to Old Dolio) and Melanie two awards! The first being that they are the cutest couple of 2020! The next being that they take the BEST END award for the year! There is another award for the movie too, which is WORST PARENTS EVER award!
Yeah, I know that is really some high praise given the likes of Dani and Jamie but what can I say, I was melting just watching Ol’Dolio and Melanie and their interaction, not to mention the price for their love! They were just so precious, and their characters too, how can anyone hate them!?!
So anyway, Kajillionaire is a movie written and directed by Miranda July. It’s about a family of crooks who literally live off being crooks! They are not those super rich crooks though, they are at the other end of the spectrum! They might as well be homeless (though they aren’t)! Their daughter Ol’Dolio (Evan Rachel Wood), has been starved of society that she might as well have been brought up in the jungle!
They are such crooks that they even hustled their own daughter in the end! Though really, I have an inkling that she really wasn’t their true daughter! They probably stole her when she was a baby anyway, the bunch of old crooks that they are!
But just like clock-work, Ol’Dolio begins to question the life she is living the more people she meets and one of those life changing people is Melanie (played by Gina Rodriguez), who they meet on a plane while on one of their scams that Ol’Dolio came up with! They would travel (with stolen tickets), as strangers, then the parents would take Ol’Dolio’s case and she would report it missing! The tickets had travel insurance so their plan was to get the check of that which was about 1600 bucks!
Anyway, the parents involve Melanie, whom they were sitting with on the plane and from there things begin to change between the family! At first of course Ol’Dolio is not happy with the change, especially given that her whole life things were done a certain way and then suddenly her life is changing!
But her parents are not including Melanie because they are changing for the better, no, but because they are planning like the swindlers they are! Seriously, these are a different kind of monster parents, if you know what I mean!
During an earthquake that finds Melanie and Ol’Dolio in a dark bathroom (they were there to complete one of Ol’Dolio’s Wishlist item – the Belly roll), Ol’Dolio confesses what the parent’s plan was for Melanie when she thinks that they are dead! It was perhaps the only bad thing in their relationship because Ol’Dolio was mean to Melanie saying that her brains were in her tits! Yeah, sure, they weren’t close yet but still, that’s a big no-no and kind of out of character for Ol’Dolio to be truthful! But she did think they were dead so I guess all breaks were off?
Anyway, unlike Ol’Dolio who took her time warming up to Melanie, it was a whole different ballgame for our delicious brown girl (anime fans will get it) and the moment she falls for Ol’Dolio is so clear cut that even a child will see it! She was literally seeing stars! And all Ol’Dolio did was touch her fingers!
See!!!! I told you all hand-sex is the best!! Seriously, that was like a scene written just for me! I don’t know who leaked my desires but the writer somehow got a hold of my own black book of desires and went for the jugular with this one! I had to stop the movie at that scene because I just couldn’t continue past it! That was last night! Today I started again from that scene to finish the movie!
It happened during a restaurant scene when the Monster Parents’ true colours spilled and Melanie was done with them. When she went to go, it was down to Ol’Dolio to stop her and she took a hold of her hand but in the scuffle, Melanie loses a nail. Whining on how she would have to remove all of them, Ol’Dolio takes it upon herself to start removing the rest of the nails!
In doing so, as she held Melanie’s hand, magic happened! I of course was already in heaven even before Melanie started seeing halos appearing behind Ol’Dolio! Seriously, it was the most in your face falling in love moment that I have seen this year! I actually don’t remember seeing moments where two character have that, OMG I’m in love moment! I think the last time was with Rue and Jules in Euphoria!
Yeah, I ain’t gonna lie, that scene contributed greatly to their winning the Cutest Couple Award! Interestingly, the bathroom scene I mentioned, despite having the only negative in their relationship, also contributed to this award! That scene was cute up until that moment! I don’t know, I think I have a thing for conversations in the dark without the characters being visible!
New fetish hakken!
Another great moment was when they went to an old man’s house to steal from him and they were playing house, to appease him as it was his dying wish, and Melanie is playing the daughter while Ol’Dolio plays the plumber. Melanie used the opportunity to try and hit on Ol’Dolio and I was just cracking up, especially since we know Ol’Dolio sucks at socialising!
Also, also, the nail scene wasn’t the only moment where Melanie was seeing stars! Back at her place, they are fulfilling Ol’Dolio’s Wishlist when Melanie has another one of the deer caught in the headlights moment as she watches Ol’Dolio dancing (It is dancing, I won’t take any objections!). She literally was salivating! I was like, girl, close your mouth you might eat a bug! And of course ‘Ol’Dolio had the sun shining behind her like she was some kind of angel! I tell ya, I missed that! I missed the visual representation of love without the making out! Heck, I thought she was going to break out in tears at one point! She was that smote!
As for the award for BEST END, the award I nearly gave MAKE UP, had they ended the movie on that beach, making love under the fireworks display, it can only mean one thing – That the curtains closed at the perfect moment!
And how much more perfect can you get than the very first kiss in a crowded mall as they finally become girlfriends!!!!
Yeah, that just happened! This movie ended on a super gay note! Ol’Dolio and Melanie romantically necking it in the middle of the mall! Another thing I wasn’t expecting from this movie that shocked me when it finally happened! I mean, only a minute left in the movie, one can’t expect the romance to begin, right?
Apparently romance can begin at the end!
And I freakin loved it!
As to what they were doing at the mall after a dramatic turn when they woke up to find that the Monster Parents had raided Melanie’s home while they were asleep and took everything, and I mean, everything!!!! The place was so empty it looked like a brand new home without any furniture in it!
Yeah, we went from that WTF moment, which was a great way to end a movie about Crooks, we went from that to actually ending it on Ol’Dolio and Melanie kissing!!!! I don’t know which lottery I played but apparently I won big time!
Anyway, they were there to refund the toys that Monster Parents had bribed Ol’Dolio with the night before (they had a bit of falling out before that), to get some cash back! Turns out that there really was a plan to hustle Melanie after all, but with the twist being that Ol’Dolio was left out of it and got dumped! She might as well have been the price to Melanie for being robbed daft!
Speaking of that, let me ask you a question – What are you willing to pay for love? Here, Melanie literally gave up everything she owned for love! She got Ol’Dolio but she is broke now, without even a biscuit in her press! But she did not seem shattered about it even if she did cry a bit after the fact. I mean, anyone would, with that sudden shock!
Imagine waking up one morning to find that someone came into your apartment and cleaned house! Like, super cleaned! They even used your car to carry your stuff!!! Like, you are at zero, even your bank accounts are empty!
Yeah, that was Melanie! But at the very least, Ol’Dolio was still around. The night before she had said she would leave early before Melanie was awake but she was left behind and woke up as Melanie did and she was as surprised as Melanie was! Her parents had basically shafted her! They cared more about Melanie’s loot than their daughter!
Okay, the more I think about this movie the more I find it kind of disturbing! And that’s not mentioning the fact that Ol’Dolio’s dad was willing to have sex with Melanie, or the fact that her mother knew about it and was ready to watch as the two did it!
Worst. Parent. Ever!
Ol’Dolio never got anything from them except her share of the cut! That is all she got from them! Never even called her honey, or made her breakfast or anything! Things that Melanie did in one day BTW! Heck, even as Crooks they are, Ol’Dolio was willing to pay her mother the 1600 just for her to be called Hun but she did not do it!
Ol’Dolio is about to start actually living like a human being thanks to Melanie! And while Melanie lost everything, she is educated and can get a job anytime also her parents I think are well off so she might get help if she needs it! So really, she lost stuff but I think that we can all agree that she gained something more precious than things that she could buy again anytime.
And really, every child must eventually leave their parents and Ol’Dolio was already 25! Hey, she actually started out pretty well for her first venture out alone without her parents in the world! She has already found love and someone to give her what she had been missing all those 25 years of her life!
And I don’t even need to talk about the interracial thing – That is always a bonus in my books! I don’t know, I just find differences that much more alluring! And Evan Queen, seem you never disappoint! If only Westworld S3 thing worked out as well! Oh well, can’t win them all I guess!
Anyway,that’s it! This year sure is full of surprises and KAJILLIONAIRE is one of them! Seriously, I wasn’t expecting any gays here! Maybe I watched the wrong trailer but I don’t remember any gayness in it!
It was a real nice surprise!