2020 throwing lesbians at us like…

take them all, you will!

Like, come the ‘L on!! There is no way in ‘L that this year is going to be beat!! And just like I thought, CARMILLA isn’t even the last of it!! I have so much content that I don’t even have time to consume it!! Yeah, in this pandemic I don’t have enough time to consume and write about all the gay content I have on me, can you believe that?!

Like, look, my thoughts go out to all those who are suffering in 2020, I really feel for you. But the gay community is like at the other end of the spectrum! It’s almost like all the positive of 2020 just culminated into the gays!

BUT!!!!

With all that being said, getting back to the subject at hand, I am about to drop a line that is to sure shock a whole lot of my lovely Readers! In fact, I am sure it will shock most of you into not jumping over to read the rest of this post! And that line is:

Yuri isn’t everything! Yuri isn’t magic!

Yeah, I just said that! So you all know what’s coming in regards to my thoughts about this movie! In case anyone is lost, let me clarify something for you. I love horror. Horror is my favourite genre! Anyone who loves horror has to have a soft spot for vampires! And if you love vampires, then you worship THE vampires of vampires! And by them I mean Carmilla, the very first vampire, and Dracula, the most well-known oldie!

With that in mind, if you have seen CARMILLA, then you know what is about to go down! Now then, if you are sure you are ready, let’s get it on…

 

 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

Let’s start with the good stuff first, so you know, those who came for the positivity can get what they came for and leave without more depression added to the worst year ever!

I love beauty! I love beautiful movies! CARMILLA is such movie! I have said it already but the cinematography of this movie is just world class! No shot is lacking! It’s literally a perfect work of art! Which is why I felt so disappointed and felt it was such a shame when I learned that there would be no Blu-Ray releases for this movie! I still hope someone picks up in a different country for example and gives us a Blu-ray, you know, like Japan did with A GIRL AT MY DOOR, where they gave us a Blu-ray release when South Korea failed us, despite the fact that the movie went to Cannes for crying out loud!

And it’s not just the way it looks, the set and costumes were as equally impressive, fitting in very well in the age it was set it! The music was moody and fit the movie perfectly! The acting was also top notch! Seriously, I can[t imagine better casting for the roles! There was just one moment that knocked me sideways but it wasn’t a negative, I was just not expecting it! And that is Carmilla’s voice! For some reason I expected it to be deeper, somehow, but it was even lighter than Lara’s! I don’t know, when I first heard her speak I nearly spit my tea! But like I said, it wasn’t in a bad way!

Then of course, the real reason you are all here – the gayness!!! Just like it was so obvious from the trailers (more on this fact later), the gayness between Lara and Carmilla was turned up to 11 for this movie! They had three whole kiss scenes, with the last one almost taking on MAKE UP for the best Make Out Scene of 2020! The only reason it did not win was because they got interrupted!

Two bonus points for this movie were the nods to BLUE MY MIND and THE HANDMAIDEN! These nods were when Lara and Carmilla had the breath-drug scene, you know which one I am talking about, though poor Lara probably had very different thoughts going on in her mind when Carmilla said she had something to show her and proceeded to move into her space! The other nod was the ‘meeting’ that had Sook-hee having a mind-gasm when she first sees Lady Hideko in the day! Lara had that same moment when she first sees Carmilla in the day! Both are also more connected in that just like THE HANDMAIDEN where Sook-hee and Lady Hideko had actually met in the night previous, here too Lara and Carmilla had met in the night previous! But you know, there is just something different when you see your girl bathed in the morning light, you know…

More on the changes made from the book, the other good thing is the change in Lara’s character! I don’t know how or why it happened but believe it or not, Lara is more monstrous than Carmilla (more on this point too later)! Way before Carmilla came into her life she was already one foot into hell, that girl! The creepiest scenes in the movie are all courtesy of her, not the first ever Queen of Vampires! It was such a welcome surprise and the potential for that change was astronomical!

Without surprise to anyone, Lara and Carmilla of course make it onto the list of top couples! While theirs is a BAD END, really, I knew it would be that, despite praying for a change in it as well, they make it on the list because unlike the book, there was no insinuating here and Lara truly loved Carmilla! In fact, I think Carmilla loved her as well!

The end with Lara at the lake and us seeing her reflection being that of Carmilla instead, is also a change from the book but I am going to say it, I didn’t give a fuck whatever they were trying to imply! By that time I was already seeing red! And it wasn’t because Carmilla had just been killed!

STOP!!!

Stope dear Reader, this is where you jump off if you want to keep that scarce positive energy about you! Best you leave right here, jump over to the caps and grab whatever you need, and be on your way, because vitriol is about to be spewed!

GO!

NOW!

You have been warned!

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Alright then, you might have noticed that I did not do the usual ‘ best moments’ segment for this movie! Why? Because there were none! In fact there were lots of disappointing moments! But I am going to leave the gaypointment to the end, I am going to start with the biggest beef I have with this movie!

The horror!

As a horror, I fuckin hate this movie! I can’t stand it! In fact, it should apologise to all vampire movies out there! It should apologise to Carmilla!! Carmilla, the very first vampire…

did not suck a single spoon of blood!

No, you did not read that wrong! Carmilla did not suck any one’s blood! A fuckin vampire did not suck blood!!!! And no, this wasn’t some Edward bloody Cullen’s brooding ass of a wannabe vegetarian vampire bullshit! In fact, I don’t even know what the fuck it was all about!! We never see her hunger, or thirst for blood! She never loses herself when close to Carmilla! For fucks sakes, she doesn’t even have fangs!!!

What fuckin kind of vampire is this!?!!

Carmilla, the very first god-forsaken vampire ever, was a fuckin bitch for the humans! I am fuckin serious! She was held down and whipped like she was nothing!! I was literally crying in the horror of it all!

I have never in my life seen such disrespect for vampires like I have seen in this movie! Even fuckin ghouls, you know, ghouls? Those baby vampires that might as well be zombie-like? They are a whole world better vampires than Carmilla in this movie!

Carmilla, the very first vampire – they turned her into a little bitch! They turned a girl who terrorized the whole frikkin town into a little bitch that doesn’t even suck blood!

You know what the worst part is – they lessened her villainess, hell, she did not do anything when she was at the damn mansion! Like, can you believe harbouring a monster, in some secluded mansion, and there being no carnage?! There wasn’t even any haunting that was so at the front in the book! Despite not going around murdering fool, Carmilla was a terrifying presence in that mansion in the book!

Here? There was absolutely nothing of that sort! She was just some girl that came here due to an accident and just lived there! Seriously, she might as well have been a girl carrying a disease that she transferred to Lara through fluid exchange! Actually, scratch that, CARMILLA is about Covid, that was carried by Carmilla, and gave it to Lara through all the kissing and Carmilla isn’t actually a monster but just a girl that is immune to the virus!

This movie can fuckin be watched like that! There was no fantastical elements to this movie! It shouldn’t even be labelled horror, let alone gothic at all!

Anyway, as I was saying, they turned Carmilla less villainy, less vampiress, for fucks sakes she even had a mirror reflection, her irises moved, she went swimming, could move in the sunlight even…and yet…and yet despite taking away all her vampire qualities, they still went ahead and killed her like one!!!!! A frikkin stake through the heart, are you kidding me!?! And who the hell carries a manual about their demise with them Carmilla, you stupid girl!!?!

In the book, the only reason they managed to kill her was because they found her in that state vampires are in when they are sleeping in their coffins! That’s right, Carmilla never even had that in this damn movie! Anyway, she was out cold when they got to her and they instantly cut off her head! while she was still ‘sleeping’ during the day!

Here?! They find her with Lara cuddling, grab her, drag her over and steak her (don’t cut off her head)! And all through this she was crying like the little bitch they turned her into!

As a horror and Vampire fan, I hate this fuckin movie with all my being!

Like, she was literally even afraid of some dog barking at her! Can you believe that shit!!?! The dog should have been cowering and running away at her mere presence, not the other way around!

Fuck!

Dear Lady Carmilla, baby, I am so sorry! I am so sorry for what they have done to you! No one deserves this! Not even frikkin Edward!!

I can’t believe I am going to say this but I hate this movie more than I love it! Yeah, three days ago I would have laughed in your face had you told me that having watched it before me! But here we are!

Indeed, Yuri isn’t everything!

It isn’t a magic potion that can cure all ails! Like, can you believe it!!!? Horror, with gays!! That is the key to my heart! How can that formula not work!?! Surely the gayness is enough?

Not this time it is not!

Like I said, there was a lot of disappointing moments in this movie! For example, the scene with the roses! Lara and Carmilla are in the rose garden and Lara goes to pick one but Carmilla tries to stop her! Yeah, I can hear you thinking that it had something to do with Carmilla’s thing with blood and that were an accident to occur, shit would have gone down!

Well, joke’s on you dear Reader!

It is instead Carmilla who gets hurt, she has normal blood by the way, and while we get a bloody kiss (literally) from it, the potential far outweighs what we got! Like, how can anyone miss that!?! A blood accident with vampires involved! Like, fuckin how!?!!

Another is what I have mentioned already, the almost award-winning make out scene! The movie taunted it’s sensuous elements in it but they were all half-assed! We almost got a full-blown make out session, in front of a damn fire place, recipe for a spot on the list of greatest love-making scenes in history! But they just had to be interrupted!!!!

Lara has disturbing thoughts? Boo hoo! We saw Carmilla’s bare ass? Boo hoo hoo! Lara almost got caught masturbating? Boo fuckin hoo!

You had a naked Carmilla all wet at the lake, you had a willing Lara right there ready to be taken, and all you did for the scene was…go away from it?!! Why the fuck did you include it in the first place!?!! Why did you, take the two away from the perfect spot and mood – Lara and Carmilla at night, in Carmilla’s bed, all tangled up and kissing, why did you get them away from that, bring them out to the lake in the bloody night, only to do nothing!?!!

And oh, the worst part?! Everything was spoiled in the trailers!!! All the moments were in that goddamn trailer! I kept waiting for something I hadn’t seen but all scenes were spoiled already!

Like, I don’t even…

Look, I think I best stop because I am starting to see red and I might go to a place of no return! I really don’t want to be part of this hate generation that is all about hate and hate and hate!

So, I am going to appreciate what the Director and Writer Emily Harris did by giving Lara and Carmilla more chemistry than the book, I am still in awe with what the DP Michael Wood did with this movie, the music by Philip Selway slapped, especially the theme and I already bought my DVD (still miffed there was no Blu-ray).

I appreciate their work and I appreciate the gayness but…

Okay, that’s it.

Go and watch Carmilla for the technical prowess and gayness!

Ja

 

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